Restful Listening
By Steven W. Vannoy and Craig Ross
Several friends of mine who are on a Board of Directors share a commonality: they dread interacting with other members of their Board. While not all of the Board members fit this stereotype - people who are egotistical, narrow-minded, always talking over each other and demanding to be heard - unfortunately some of them fit the mold to a "T".
A member of the same community board for over 20 years, a gentleman in his mid-80's, epitomizes a pattern of behavior that I someday hope to emulate. When he spoke in his weak, shaky voice, an amazing thing happened. Everyone else around the table stopped talking and actually listened. It occurred to me that the reason was because the only time he spoke, he had something insightful to say. He wasn't just boasting, repeating what someone else had just said or talking to hear himself speak - he always made comments that raised valuable points that the others had not considered. Being a humble gentleman, he was very reserved and never looked to others for praise. He shared his knowledge and experience because he truly cared about the organization he represented.
When it was proposed that a newly built road be named after him, he thought it was absolutely ridiculous! He did not ask for or want this recognition, but those around him knew his value and felt the need to honor him in a special way. His ability to listen deeply and share his insightful thoughts had given him a well-respected reputation in the community as a brilliant individual and a true leader.
Reminders and Lessons
Perhaps someday there will be a road named after some of us, but in my case, I certainly need to make some changes before that happens. It's been a very interesting couple of weeks full of powerful reminders and lessons, but there's one lesson that exceeds all others by far!
Recently, I had gotten into a pattern of "anxiety listening." In my case, I was almost holding my breath waiting for a small break in the other person's speech pattern so I could quickly jump in with my comments. The cost was huge: I only heard a small amount of what they were actually saying. I didn't learn a darn thing. The other party probably didn't feel valued and our relationship was probably damaged too. I was stressed and impatient, and it didn't get either one of us on a roll. By the end of the day I was drained and tired and was sporting a stiff neck and headache. My "anxiety meter" was on overload.
When we really listen, it may surprise us that something we felt had to be said may have been stated by someone else - eliminating the need for us to repeat it. Plus, as I learned from my Board of Director friend, since you're not always talking, when you do speak, people are convinced the words you say will have value.
This week, I'm practicing "restful listening." One-on-one, on the phone, or with a larger group, I remind myself that when the other person's sharing, it's my signal to rest and listen. I sit back, breath deeply, and just soak in the moment - and everything they're saying.
No surprise, I'm learning a lot more this week, and my resulting comments are much more succinct and seem to add more value. The other parties seem to relax more too and I have a sense they feel more valued. We definitely accomplish more, and my whole day is more restful and enjoyable.
If the above scenerio rings true for you, what will you do in the next couple of weeks to remind yourself to "listen restfully?" Also, what benefits do you expect to see?
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